Trespassing the Darkness
I am sick of my own mind.
My mind goes down the same damn road over and over again. Day in and day out. I try to break free from this. But it seems like it always goes down the same path again and again. But like always these same thoughts, these same ideas, these same desires ram into my cranium like a pissed off bull elephant. I attempt to chisel my way free a little at a time, like the carvers who can turn mountain sides in to giant stone metaphors.
I must break free. Break free from these dreams that make my reality nothing more than a vague hand cart, that just drags me to another dark wishful dream filled night. I want to do something different. Maybe that is why I want tattoos, like an octopus on my right forearm that can have space to add my kid’s names and other important sentimental things, or the Steam Boat Willie Mickey Mouse on my right calf, along with a semi colon tattoo on my left wrist and something to remember my mom. Who passed when I was only ten. I want to move to Oregon, and to write a hell of a lot more, and discover more about paganism. I could never fully walk away from my beliefs that I hold right now. But this dark side that I can let escape keeps drawing me in a little at a time. Paganism itself is not a dark religion. When most people think of paganism they think of Witchcraft. But there are hundreds of different branches that fall from just the word Pagan.
Pagans are a group of religious and spiritual traditions based on reverence for nature. Early Christians often used the term to refer to non-Christians who worshiped multiple deities or polytheists. In Latin, "paganus" originally meant “country dweller", civilian" or "those who live outside the city.” (Davy,7) And the thing that draws me in is the chance to do something different. I feel like I have been stuck in a never-ending circle, the same situation, starting at the beginning of my twenty-two years of my human existence. Listening to others try and direct my life. Being told that I can’t do this, or I can’t do that. Why didn’t you go to church today? Because maybe I feel like I am in a hole. I feel that everyone can do their own thing. This life isn’t going to get any easier. So why force ourselves into things we don’t feel we fit into? That is one of the reasons I think paganism draws me in so well. There are literally thousands of different ways to be a pagan. And being original and one’s self is what I feel I’m missing at the moment. This religion has its roots where I feel most centered.
I am outside a lot, fishing is my favorite hobby. Also camping and boating are things I do almost every week end. Sitting by the pond is where I can be found for a good chunk of the summer. But there is something different when it comes to walking bare foot through the woods or a grass field. If you concentrate and look for the energy you can feel it come up through your feet and into your whole body. Another way is I love stones, gems and rocks. I have a small but growing collection. I keep around my neck almost all the time, besides the magickal working necklace. (Higginbotham, 193) Which is just beads that have been cleansed with the elements of earth, water, wind and fire. Each of the seven beads represent something different, and they all work together to keep one self in tune with the universe and magick. There are also two or three stones I keep with me as well, one being apache’s tear or obsidian and tigers eye. These two stones play off each other. Tiger eye helps with courage, personal power and strength. The Apache’s tear is used for grounding, protection and healing. Isn’t that what everyone looks for in life anyways? Courage, personal power, strength protection and healing. “believing in nature spirits makes the world a more meaningful place for Pagans, a world filled with mystery rather than just real estate and suburbs.” (Davy, 16) Everything has a spirit and connects and interacts with the universe and you personally. Believe what you will, but I can find peace in that statement.
“It's me suspended in a defenseless test
Being tested by a ruthless examiner
That's represented best by my depressing thoughts
Am I the only one I know
Waging my wars behind my face and above my throat
Shadows will scream that I'm alone.”
(Twenty-One Pilots, Migraine)
There are certain things that can be said, and there are others that can never be let out of its cage. Like a venomous snake kept at the zoo, stuck in a glass bowl for all to look at, but never allowed to interact with those that stare at it. Music keeps the dark demons that rattle my skull at bay. Keeps them caged, and for the most part quiet. The quote before holds a meaning to me that I truly can’t explain in words. Being tested by a ruthless examiner, the demons that have been trapped in my heart and soul. The depressing thoughts, the vomit, acrid and pungent. The result of the demons trapped and not allowed to escape. Waging a war behind my face and above my throat, where the demons play card games and Jenga with my dreams, thoughts, desires, and hopes. The shadows, the place my brain and heart has been for so many years.
And there's a lot of souls lookin' for the high road
Everybody's needin'
Maybe just a little simple melody
Is all we need to keep our broken hearts beatin' true
And get the whole world in tune
And change the world from hurt to hurt
We're all feelin' stop the bleedin'
You're back to believin'
Love is the answer and music is healin'
(Music is healing, Florida Georgia Line)
Its amazing what a few notes and a rhyme can fix, hold back, or hide.
There are things that I hide. I even try to hide them from myself, and there is not a person on the planet that knows those dark sadistic secrets. I hold them in; like a locked pirates treasure chest, buried deep in the earth.
There is a Japanese saying that goes; each person has three masks. The first, you show to the world, the one you put on every day. To go to work, the small quiet coffee shop on 4th street, and to grandma’s house. The second, you show to your close friends and family. This one is only shown to two people on the face of the earth for me. One being the girl I’ve fallen in love with. It can scare her at times, but she still holds on to me. The other person being my best friend, who knows the darkest things that my mind can conjure. The third face, you never show anyone. The deepest darkest thoughts, the scary ideas or even the person who you really are. You hide because you can’t really show the world who you are. We all wear a mask. Some masks are bright, big and elaborate. Others shy, dull and shallow. In ancient Paganism there is a holiday or celebration, Samhain (pronounced Sow-in). This holiday is the roots of Halloween, and they believed this is the night where the vail of the world and the underworld was at its thinnest. Allowing demons, spirits and monsters to roam the earthly world, attempting to take children and adults alike back to the underworld. So, these people started to wear masks and costumes on Samhain, in an attempt to fool the monsters and demons so they wouldn’t get kidnapped and drug to the underworld with them. (The Encyclopedia of Halloween, 75) So, for hundreds and hundreds of years we have all been wearing a mask to ward off demons.
But what if these masks now keep them in?
Holding in emotions, is a talent for me. I don’t ever let my emotions flow. I keep them bottled and stored inside my already overflowing chaotic brain. They build up like a geyser waiting to erupt with a powerful force. Knocking anything out and over when they get released. My mask holds these emotions in. They aren’t allowed to come out, but sometimes the hairline cracks in the dam of my emotional lake fractures and the waterfall of emotions drowns the mask I wear. The mask I wear sometimes can’t feel emotions. Blank and dull the mask lays on my face like a blanket of dead leaves on the forest floor in autumn. Most would call this depression. Over 3.3 million Americans will fight the battle of depression every year. (adaa.org) There are ways to fix and combat depression. Many have to do with mindset, vitamins, and exercise. And some medication is what’s needed to relieve the pain and drowning feelings of depression.
The knots.
Paganism, masks, music, freedom all of these combined equals the chaos that streaks through my mind each day and night. These demons crawl from every dark, small, pain lined hole in my brain. These demons hold on with the might and force of the bite of a crocodile. Each jagged tooth, a claw digging deeper and deeper into the soft, mold-able, easily influenced grey matter they abide in. Each and every one of us has a demon inside of our selves. Each and everyone of us battles with different challenges and trials in our lives. A demon is given to each hand that asks for help. We must fight these demons; sometimes alone in the dark. And all it takes is to find the things that makes them shake and quake by themselves. To remove a mask, to feel each note of a song written to heal a broken and beaten heart. To explore a different way of thinking about the world, seeing it through nature, energy, and personal powerful imaginative thoughts and ideas. Your demon will never walk away from you, you have to scare them away.
I am sick of my own mind.
My mind goes down the same damn road over and over again. Day in and day out. I try to break free from this. But it seems like it always goes down the same path again and again. But like always these same thoughts, these same ideas, these same desires ram into my cranium like a pissed off bull elephant. I attempt to chisel my way free a little at a time, like the carvers who can turn mountain sides in to giant stone metaphors.
I must break free. Break free from these dreams that make my reality nothing more than a vague hand cart, that just drags me to another dark wishful dream filled night. I want to do something different. Maybe that is why I want tattoos, like an octopus on my right forearm that can have space to add my kid’s names and other important sentimental things, or the Steam Boat Willie Mickey Mouse on my right calf, along with a semi colon tattoo on my left wrist and something to remember my mom. Who passed when I was only ten. I want to move to Oregon, and to write a hell of a lot more, and discover more about paganism. I could never fully walk away from my beliefs that I hold right now. But this dark side that I can let escape keeps drawing me in a little at a time. Paganism itself is not a dark religion. When most people think of paganism they think of Witchcraft. But there are hundreds of different branches that fall from just the word Pagan.
Pagans are a group of religious and spiritual traditions based on reverence for nature. Early Christians often used the term to refer to non-Christians who worshiped multiple deities or polytheists. In Latin, "paganus" originally meant “country dweller", civilian" or "those who live outside the city.” (Davy,7) And the thing that draws me in is the chance to do something different. I feel like I have been stuck in a never-ending circle, the same situation, starting at the beginning of my twenty-two years of my human existence. Listening to others try and direct my life. Being told that I can’t do this, or I can’t do that. Why didn’t you go to church today? Because maybe I feel like I am in a hole. I feel that everyone can do their own thing. This life isn’t going to get any easier. So why force ourselves into things we don’t feel we fit into? That is one of the reasons I think paganism draws me in so well. There are literally thousands of different ways to be a pagan. And being original and one’s self is what I feel I’m missing at the moment. This religion has its roots where I feel most centered.
I am outside a lot, fishing is my favorite hobby. Also camping and boating are things I do almost every week end. Sitting by the pond is where I can be found for a good chunk of the summer. But there is something different when it comes to walking bare foot through the woods or a grass field. If you concentrate and look for the energy you can feel it come up through your feet and into your whole body. Another way is I love stones, gems and rocks. I have a small but growing collection. I keep around my neck almost all the time, besides the magickal working necklace. (Higginbotham, 193) Which is just beads that have been cleansed with the elements of earth, water, wind and fire. Each of the seven beads represent something different, and they all work together to keep one self in tune with the universe and magick. There are also two or three stones I keep with me as well, one being apache’s tear or obsidian and tigers eye. These two stones play off each other. Tiger eye helps with courage, personal power and strength. The Apache’s tear is used for grounding, protection and healing. Isn’t that what everyone looks for in life anyways? Courage, personal power, strength protection and healing. “believing in nature spirits makes the world a more meaningful place for Pagans, a world filled with mystery rather than just real estate and suburbs.” (Davy, 16) Everything has a spirit and connects and interacts with the universe and you personally. Believe what you will, but I can find peace in that statement.
“It's me suspended in a defenseless test
Being tested by a ruthless examiner
That's represented best by my depressing thoughts
Am I the only one I know
Waging my wars behind my face and above my throat
Shadows will scream that I'm alone.”
(Twenty-One Pilots, Migraine)
There are certain things that can be said, and there are others that can never be let out of its cage. Like a venomous snake kept at the zoo, stuck in a glass bowl for all to look at, but never allowed to interact with those that stare at it. Music keeps the dark demons that rattle my skull at bay. Keeps them caged, and for the most part quiet. The quote before holds a meaning to me that I truly can’t explain in words. Being tested by a ruthless examiner, the demons that have been trapped in my heart and soul. The depressing thoughts, the vomit, acrid and pungent. The result of the demons trapped and not allowed to escape. Waging a war behind my face and above my throat, where the demons play card games and Jenga with my dreams, thoughts, desires, and hopes. The shadows, the place my brain and heart has been for so many years.
And there's a lot of souls lookin' for the high road
Everybody's needin'
Maybe just a little simple melody
Is all we need to keep our broken hearts beatin' true
And get the whole world in tune
And change the world from hurt to hurt
We're all feelin' stop the bleedin'
You're back to believin'
Love is the answer and music is healin'
(Music is healing, Florida Georgia Line)
Its amazing what a few notes and a rhyme can fix, hold back, or hide.
There are things that I hide. I even try to hide them from myself, and there is not a person on the planet that knows those dark sadistic secrets. I hold them in; like a locked pirates treasure chest, buried deep in the earth.
There is a Japanese saying that goes; each person has three masks. The first, you show to the world, the one you put on every day. To go to work, the small quiet coffee shop on 4th street, and to grandma’s house. The second, you show to your close friends and family. This one is only shown to two people on the face of the earth for me. One being the girl I’ve fallen in love with. It can scare her at times, but she still holds on to me. The other person being my best friend, who knows the darkest things that my mind can conjure. The third face, you never show anyone. The deepest darkest thoughts, the scary ideas or even the person who you really are. You hide because you can’t really show the world who you are. We all wear a mask. Some masks are bright, big and elaborate. Others shy, dull and shallow. In ancient Paganism there is a holiday or celebration, Samhain (pronounced Sow-in). This holiday is the roots of Halloween, and they believed this is the night where the vail of the world and the underworld was at its thinnest. Allowing demons, spirits and monsters to roam the earthly world, attempting to take children and adults alike back to the underworld. So, these people started to wear masks and costumes on Samhain, in an attempt to fool the monsters and demons so they wouldn’t get kidnapped and drug to the underworld with them. (The Encyclopedia of Halloween, 75) So, for hundreds and hundreds of years we have all been wearing a mask to ward off demons.
But what if these masks now keep them in?
Holding in emotions, is a talent for me. I don’t ever let my emotions flow. I keep them bottled and stored inside my already overflowing chaotic brain. They build up like a geyser waiting to erupt with a powerful force. Knocking anything out and over when they get released. My mask holds these emotions in. They aren’t allowed to come out, but sometimes the hairline cracks in the dam of my emotional lake fractures and the waterfall of emotions drowns the mask I wear. The mask I wear sometimes can’t feel emotions. Blank and dull the mask lays on my face like a blanket of dead leaves on the forest floor in autumn. Most would call this depression. Over 3.3 million Americans will fight the battle of depression every year. (adaa.org) There are ways to fix and combat depression. Many have to do with mindset, vitamins, and exercise. And some medication is what’s needed to relieve the pain and drowning feelings of depression.
The knots.
Paganism, masks, music, freedom all of these combined equals the chaos that streaks through my mind each day and night. These demons crawl from every dark, small, pain lined hole in my brain. These demons hold on with the might and force of the bite of a crocodile. Each jagged tooth, a claw digging deeper and deeper into the soft, mold-able, easily influenced grey matter they abide in. Each and every one of us has a demon inside of our selves. Each and everyone of us battles with different challenges and trials in our lives. A demon is given to each hand that asks for help. We must fight these demons; sometimes alone in the dark. And all it takes is to find the things that makes them shake and quake by themselves. To remove a mask, to feel each note of a song written to heal a broken and beaten heart. To explore a different way of thinking about the world, seeing it through nature, energy, and personal powerful imaginative thoughts and ideas. Your demon will never walk away from you, you have to scare them away.
Bring Her Back
I woke up the same way this morning, with pounding in my head.
I just stared out the window, wishing I was the one who was dead.
I thought back through all the memories, the happy and sad.
But the one I remember the most, is being called Dad.
Can you bring her back, God I need your help.
I pleaded with my Fsther as I knelt.
Can you bring her back, my little girl.
God please, can I have her back?
In this my lonely world?
It’s like staring at the wall, nothing really goes.
Time is not time anymore, it moves so slow.
It’s like I got chains on my feet, and the bottle tied to my hand.
Life is so fragile, like a home made from sand.
Can you bring her back, God I need your help.
I pleaded with my Father as I knelt.
Can you bring her back, my little girl.
God please, can I have her back?
In this my lonely world?
This world is rough, and I don’t know what to do.
I can’t see Gods face, but now I can’t see hers too.
I feel I am drowning in whiskey and tears.
Drinking away all my shallow fears.
I can’t see her face, its only a picture on the wall.
But even that over time will fall.
Can you bring her back, God I need your help.
I pleaded with my Father as I knelt.
Can you bring her back, my little girl.
God please, can I have her back?
In this my lonely world?
She was my everything.
Now God I’m asking one thing.
When can I see my little girl again?
Can you bring her back, God I need your help.
I pleaded with my Father as I knelt.
Can you bring her back, my little girl.
God please, can I have her back?
In this my lonely world?
I woke up the same way this morning, with pounding in my head.
I just stared out the window, wishing I was the one who was dead.
I thought back through all the memories, the happy and sad.
But the one I remember the most, is being called Dad.
Can you bring her back, God I need your help.
I pleaded with my Fsther as I knelt.
Can you bring her back, my little girl.
God please, can I have her back?
In this my lonely world?
It’s like staring at the wall, nothing really goes.
Time is not time anymore, it moves so slow.
It’s like I got chains on my feet, and the bottle tied to my hand.
Life is so fragile, like a home made from sand.
Can you bring her back, God I need your help.
I pleaded with my Father as I knelt.
Can you bring her back, my little girl.
God please, can I have her back?
In this my lonely world?
This world is rough, and I don’t know what to do.
I can’t see Gods face, but now I can’t see hers too.
I feel I am drowning in whiskey and tears.
Drinking away all my shallow fears.
I can’t see her face, its only a picture on the wall.
But even that over time will fall.
Can you bring her back, God I need your help.
I pleaded with my Father as I knelt.
Can you bring her back, my little girl.
God please, can I have her back?
In this my lonely world?
She was my everything.
Now God I’m asking one thing.
When can I see my little girl again?
Can you bring her back, God I need your help.
I pleaded with my Father as I knelt.
Can you bring her back, my little girl.
God please, can I have her back?
In this my lonely world?
Waves
|
This time was different, she went with the intention to forget me, and she did just that. She found a man who kept to what he said. Did what he was told, and held her like I never could. She fell for him that night, the night I got so drunk that I couldn't remember what three bars I went to, where my car keys were, or how I even got home because my car was not in the drive way. She was taken in by him. She sent her friends to get her stuff a week after that, I guess she was really over me. But I will never be over her. She was the one I wanted for the rest of forever. She was the one I built my career with, she was the one I slept with for 5 years and she was the one I cheated on… that was the reason I came home late all of those nights, and that was the reason I would avoid eye contact with her at all costs. She ran away with my heart, and I crushed hers. She doesn't know this but I have found someone new also, I have slept with her. I woke up to her face looking back at me for a week now. She is uncaring, and can be destructive. I fell in love with the ocean. The sea, the tide, the creatures underneath, the ruthless power, and the beautiful calm it can bring someone.
I have never felt this was before, I sold the house, my car, flipped off my boss, kissed my mom goodbye. And boarded the U.S.S. lonely for the first and last time. I went south, as far south as my little sail boat would take me. And I knew I would never come back, I meant for it, but I didn’t tell my mother that, I couldn't she wouldn't have let me get on that boat. I sailed away, away from her, away from them, and away from myself. For the first and last time I felt like I needed to go and not be here. So I left and my heart I left it to her, and my little boy. Goodbye.
I have never felt this was before, I sold the house, my car, flipped off my boss, kissed my mom goodbye. And boarded the U.S.S. lonely for the first and last time. I went south, as far south as my little sail boat would take me. And I knew I would never come back, I meant for it, but I didn’t tell my mother that, I couldn't she wouldn't have let me get on that boat. I sailed away, away from her, away from them, and away from myself. For the first and last time I felt like I needed to go and not be here. So I left and my heart I left it to her, and my little boy. Goodbye.